Thoughts

It has been a while since I have posted, and most have been trying to catch up. Not sure if I am going to continue to catch up, or just start from now. Because I am naughty and don't keep a personal journal, this blog has become somewhat of that. So...because I don't think I have too many followers, and those that I do have are close friends, I am going to write without regards to who might be reading.
Our family has been thru a whirlwind this last month. I found out that after a year of trying to get pregnant that we finally were on Valentine's Day! I was able to surprise Josh with the wonderful news that night, and we waited a couple of days to tell the boys. When we did tell the boys, we filled some balloons with puzzle pieces that when put together was a picture of a baby. We told them that our family was going to be getting something new, and in order to figure out what it was, they had to pop the balloons, find the pieces and put it together! They had such a good time, and Trenton's reaction was priceless! He was so excited. Braxton was not quite sure what to do, but when explained there was a baby in my belly he reached up to touch and kiss my belly. This brought tears to my eyes!
There really is no hiding pregnancies with me. Besides the boys telling everyone they saw, it was only a week after we found out that I started getting sick. Being pregnant is very hard for me and everyone around me. After about a week of puking, we ended up at the insta care getting a couple of bags for hydration thru an IV, and the very next day I was set up with home health care doing two bags of fluid a day at home. I was supposed to only go to the IV clinic twice a week to get the IV changed, but of course, my body doesn't roll that way. Soon the IV's started going bad within 24 hours and I was there every day my 8th week of pregnancy. At the end of that week, on a Friday, they decided to insert a mid-line. So after three tries, and two hours on the table, they finally inserted a more permanent line for me to hydrate thru.
The following Monday, on March 19th, I had a scheduled ultrasound to make sure things were going well since I was so sick. After the tech's spent some time on my belly, they decided they needed a closer look. This started to make me nervous as I prepared for the other type of ultrasound. Within their mutterings to each other, and my questions, I was able to pull out of them that I was pregnant with twins. I could see the two dark spots that were the sacks, but in one of them, I could not see a shape of a baby, but rather a mound of cells. The doctor was then called into the room. I immediately grabbed for Josh's hand, as this is never a good sign. He came in and they showed him a couple of pictures. First, the sack with the mound, and then the other with the shape of a baby. They muttered a few things to each other and the tech's then excused themselves. The doctor brought our attention to the screen and started pointing out what they had found in each sac. Of course, the mound of cells was not a viable fetus. However, in the other was a little body that measured 8 weeks, but did not have a heart beat. He informed me that I had an 8 week miscarriage. All I could do was let the tears run down my face as he explained that because I had been so sick he did not want to wait to let my body pass them, but rather get me in for a D&C the very next day. As soon as he left I sobbed in Josh's arms with so many emotions running raw.
So now a week later after the procedure, our family is tyring to heal. The boys are so sad and remind me daily that they want a baby. Trenton at one point was very angry that I had gone thru the IV's and sickness for nothing. Although I am physically feeling so much better, the emotions still run raw. So many questions running thru my head, as I was sure this was going to be my last pregnancy. The physical demands it takes on not only my body, but my children, husband and extended family as they try to feed us, do our laundry and keep our home clean is so much to go thru. I don't want to go thru the waiting game, fertility treatments, etc. again. I was so ready to almost be done being sick, I should have only had 10 more weeks of that to go. (I know that sounds like a lot, but seeing that there is usually about 20 weeks of that for me, I was half way there).
So for today, I concentrate on getting things back to normal so my kids can feel secure again. Cooking, cleaning and laughing is starting to become normal again. I still tire very easily, but I know that I will continue to gain my strength back every day. So as we head into this General Conference weekend, I listen to what our leaders teach us with the simple question in my heart of "Why?" I only at this point want to understand why my babies were not able to come an be with us on this earth. The harder questions will be answered at a later time...do we do this again? Do we adopt? Should we be content with the two beautiful children that have already blessed our lives so much?
All will be answered in due time, and for now I just have to have enough faith that all will work out the way it is supposed to in the end.

Braxton is playing sports

Our cute little B boy is finally old enough to play soccer. He has watched his brother over the past couple of years and it was always so hard to keep him off the field! So he was very excited that it was his turn to show his skills. I was able to make it to the first came with puke bowl in hand, but due to the pregnancy missed the other games...except the very last one! His last one was the weekend after my miscarriage, and I was so excited to come and watch my little boy play! It took a while for him to forget Mommy was there and pay attention to coach a.k.a. Daddy! It is so funny when they play indoor soccer because they barricade them in, so he would come over to the board and stand on his tip toes to give me a kiss and then run off again!

Of course after awhile he decided it was time to flirt with the little girls on his team. He stood there dancing and making funny faces at them!And then of course, what is a good soccer game without a little rough and tumble. After he picked himself up he ran to Daddy for some loves. Daddy's are not always as soft and understanding when the littles get hurt, so a pat on the bum and a go out there and play, he had to come to Mommy to make sure all his limbs were still attached!After the loves I was able to convince him that if he ran super fast I would be able to see flames coming of the back of his jersey. This pumped him up and he was a rock star the rest of the game. I had to change the setting on the camera to keep up with him, but most of the action shots were blurry! I was able to catch of few of my little man in the game and playing hard!He was so excited to get his very own trophy. He carried around all day long! Thanks coach for being such a good coach to our boys on and off the field! Great job B Boy....we love you so much!

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Pumpkin Carving

Once again, carving pumpkins was a big deal at our house! Daddy wasn't sure he was going to have enough time to do it this year, but as soon as I got everything out, he was right there for the next few hours! Trenton decided he was big enough to do his own pumpkin this year. He did everything from cleaning it out to all the carving all by himself! He was so careful with the tools and did a great job! Braxton got bored real fast! I helped him with a silly faced pumpkin, but I ended up doing most of the work. I thought he would have fun cleaning out the pumpkin, but surprisingly he did not like getting messy. We had a great time as a family creating our jack o lanterns. This year Daddy carved the "Deathly Hallows" scene with Harry Potter on one side and Voldermort on the other. Trenton carved a raccoon coming out of a pumpkin. For some reason I can't find pictures of the finished products. I bet Josh has them somewhere!

Braxton turns 3

Our cute little man turned 3! Daddy started a tradition a couple of years ago that the night before someone's birthday, we decorate the kitchen with balloons and streamers. The boys are always so excited to see this when they come down. We spent the morning playing with balloons and then met the rest of the family at Planet Play for some pizza and games! Everyone got in on the fun, and we had a great time together! We came out with more loot than we knew what to do with! The next day we had dessert at Grandma's so that B could blow out his candles and dig in!

Some of the things Braxton is interested in these days are superhero's (spiderman being his favorite), dino squad, coloring (with markers), wresting with Daddy, and dressing up all the time! If he gets to choose where we go to lunch when we go out he always chooses "chicken stars" aka Carl's Jr. He loves to play with his friends, and often tells me to leave so that the other adult can "take care of me." Every morning he loves to crawl up in Mommy's bed and watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Little Einsteins. Often he askes Mommy to come and cuddle with him, which I have a hard time resisting! He loves to dance and show off his karate moves. He loves to play with swords and any other weapon he can get his hands on...which is not Mommy's favorite! I have decided that he has an angel with him always, protecting him as he pulls furniture down on himself, jumps off anything he can climb on, and just his everyday activities! He is definately all boy!!!

We are so blessed to have this little man in our home! He brings so much happiness in our lives. His little spunky attitude mixed with his gentle love makes for the perfect personality! We love you so much Braxton and look forward to many more celebrations together!

Lake Mojave

We are so blessed to have such great friends with great families! We were invited to meet the Houston's and the Mayfield's for a weekend getaway on a house boat in Arizona. Let's see...cold weather, or warm weather with friends....not a hard choice!! We packed up and headed south, but before we got to our final destination, we decided to stop in Vegas. Just the weekend before I took a girls trip and stayed at The Golden Nugget. Not only had it been updated, it has the COOLEST swimming area! You can go on a water slide that puts you right through the middle of a shark tank! As I was there I knew the kids would love it, so what better than to surprise them and take them to it! Although it was a little cold (it rained the night before), the kids had a blast as the explored the shark tank! Trenton loved going down the slide and thru all the sharks! Well worth it!After our adventures with the sharks, we continued on down to Lake Mojave. Let me just make a note that the Mayfield's know how to houseboat, camp, etc.! The food was never ending, the drinks were always there, and it was just good old fashioned fun! I love that even after not seeing each other for a while, our boys can just pick up where they left off and enjoy each other! We love playing with Aidan and Jackson. Couldn't possibly be they have my best friend as a mom! Yet another reason I wish we lived in Cali! We had so much fun swimming, rock climbing, jumping off the rocks into the cold water, fishing and just being with each other!

These two crack me up! It starts so young!

We had a great time exploring the beach and roasting marshmallows! Grandpa Dale started telling scary ghost stories around the camp fire. He held the flashlight right under his chin to make sure we had a scary experience. Of course, the boys had to take a turn making up stories as well. Aidan was so scary that he literally scared poor Jackson to the point of peeing his pants. The best part was that Jackson was sitting on Dre's lap! This of course had to be the first night and Dre only brought one pair of sweats to sleep in! Ooops!

We really had such a great time hanging out with this special family. We are so grateful for their generosity and love. Thanks so much for a wonderful weekend!